Personalities can be challenging to navigate, especially within families. Our brains are wired to solve problems, so we often rush to define people – labeling them as difficult, selfish, or unreliable, in order to make sense of the situation and move forward. It can feel like clarity, but it’s often just a shortcut. And when it comes to close relationships, that shortcut can become a trap.. Once you decide someone is “bad” or “lazy” or “the problem,” you lock both of you into a fixed dynamic. Confirmation bias kicks in, and suddenly everything they do seems to reinforce that belief. You stop seeing the full person and start seeing only the story you’ve told yourself about them.
This happens all the time in families. I’ve watched siblings get caught in these cycles, sometimes for decades. Even when they say they’re trying to repair things, part of them is still collecting evidence to prove the original judgment was right. Why? Because it serves the ego to be “right,” even at the cost of peace.
You might be right. Maybe they really are difficult, avoidant, or unkind. But even so, I want to offer this: try not to get stuck focusing on who they are. Shift your focus to how you want to feel and what you can do to protect your energy and peace.
Here’s how:
- Let go of the need to keep naming their flaws
- Stop speaking about their behavior as if it’s carved in stone
- Notice when your frustration turns into gossip for the sake of entertainment
Instead, build a life that supports your well-being. What routines bring you calm or joy? Do you need firmer boundaries, or less emotional investment? With family, some interaction may be necessary. Where love flows, let it. Where tension persists, find your middle ground and protect it.
That’s not giving up. That’s choosing peace over patterns.
Kiran Narang
Next Step Advisors